Plea #50: The Problem And so I sat. Among the stars with the man I loved.
The man I cherished. The man I had fought so hard to win over.
And now that I had it... I was lost.
I should be happy. Content.
I have everything I could ever want, but instead of soaking it all in, I sit here with a mind split in two.
Logically, I can't think of anything more to desire... but I feel a lust forevermore.
A devil on my shoulder, disturbing my peace.
Is this not enough? Why amn't I happy yet?
Is there something wrong with me?
I love him.
I DO.
So why don't I feel like I do..?
I love the way he rambles... The way he hugs... Everything about him...
and yet...
It's not enough for me.
I feel a void. This aching and longing for a feeling I've never even known.
How can I know the capacity of my chalice, if this is the most it's ever been filled?
Why do I feel that there remains a brim, yet to be reached?
I am a fool. I know this to be true.
I have all the ingredients for a happy life, and yet I'm going to throw it all away on a gut feeling.
A hunch.
I know I will.
I realize the truth now.
I'm insatiable.
My pursuit of happiness robs me of it, and yet I will continue to indulge this haunted mind of mine.
I look back over at the man I once loved.
The man I thought I loved just a moment ago.
I look over and cry.
I'm the problem.
I always have been.
*I* am.